I have been a mother to Joshua for just over 5 years. I have voiced to some of my close friends that being a mother is much harder than what I ever could imagine. I often fall short of wisdom, patience, tolerance, energy and I have made many mistakes. I often feel like an incompetent mother even though it is my top priority to be a good one.
In the months following the loss of Kaleb, I realized being a mother to a stillborn is way harder. I have a daily struggle to figure out how I can still be his mother even though he is not physically with me. I cannot care for his physical needs, I cannot communicate with him. I cannot nurture him. I cannot witness him grow and develop. But I still have an awareness of him, his being, his spirit, his life. He is part of who I am. And a part of me is in him. He is still my son, he is in my thoughts daily and I speak to God about him whenever I think of him. I have read some comments of the other mothers who have lost a baby, how they think we can still be mothers to our babies. Acknowledging their lives, talking about them, remembering them, testifying how their lives brought meaning and growth and honoring them in different ways were some of the thoughts. Sounds easy? Not in our society. Ever since I have been a mother to Joshua, I loved sharing him with the world. Posting and sending his pictures, telling people of the cute and amazing things he has done, how he is growing, how beautiful he is, what he can do and how much I love him. This has probably annoyed some people but it was never frowned upon or not accepted in society. Because this is what mommies do, right? I am also a mother to Kaleb and I want to do the same things for him. I love and cherish the photos I have of him. They are so few; I want to put them all up around my house. I wish I could share more photos of him, but I have noticed that people are not so comfortable looking at a baby’s who has passed away. I also love talking about him. I need to talk about him. Fortunately parents often start small talk with questions about your children. How many do you have, how old they are and what are their names. Then I feel like blossoming because I can then talk about Joshua and Kaleb. I love talking about how Kaleb’s life has changed me, enriched me. I feel so comfortable talking about him because he is my son, just like Joshua is. The responses of people when I do start talking about him is however disappointing and hurtful. I have experienced situations where parents will stop the conversation right there, turn away and avoid me completely, probably due to being uncomfortable with death and talking about a baby who has passed away. Maybe it is because they do not know what to say. Some people will say sorry and ask what happened, but then try to change the conversation when I still have so much to share. This makes me feel restricted as a mother, almost as if I am put in a box, with the lid on. The little things I can still do to feel like Kaleb’s mother, I am not given the space and time to do. I almost feel like I am not allowed to be his mother. Someone tried to encourage me saying people don’t know how to deal with this, and I cannot blame them because if you haven’t experienced child loss you cannot possibly understand or have insight. I do realize this and I feel it is part of my process, my journey to give people more insight, give them some ideas on what can be helpful to say and educate people on how to react. There are so many woman out there who have lost a baby and I want to make a change for all of them. So let me be honest. Here are some advice and suggestions, not to get your attention or pity, but to make a difference and to maybe make a change to the oh so uncomfortable silence between a mother who have lost and other people. Any baby who has passed away is still real and part of their family. Just because a baby has passed away does not mean he or she does not exist anymore. Because of what Jesus did on the cross, our babies keep on living. They are still present, not in our physical world, but they are in existence. Because they exist, they are also worth mentioning. They are part of the family and have their place. Kaleb will always be my second child and my next baby will be my third. My mother has 8 grandchildren and not 7. These babies have not vanished, they were still born, they still matter and they still have purpose. Please think about them as human beings and acknowledge that they still do exist. Death is not something to avoid or shy away from. Death of the physical body is part of life and very natural. We all will die someday. It is not a prohibited or taboo subject. It shouldn’t be. The sooner you get comfortable with it and accept it as a natural aspect of life, the sooner you will be able to deal with death and process it better. Talking about the loss of a loved one, remembering moments, treasuring them and sharing thoughts and feelings are therapeutic and good for us. It helps us to heal. The goal and the expectation must never be to get over it or forget about it but to integrate the mourning and sadness with joy and to be at a healthy place. Talking about the loved one who passed away, even months and years after is not a sign or symptom of unhealthy or complicated grief. I think the opposite is actually true. So if you want to help a family member or friend who lost a loved one, talk about that loved one. Ask them about their loved one, what do they remember, what reminds them of him or her. Also talk about heaven and how they think it will be. When you think about that loved one, share it with your friend or family member. It will not make them sad, it will bring them much joy. You don’t have to make it better or make them feel better. No advice is needed. After loosing a child, nothing anyone can do or say can make it better. Attempts to do so can often be hurtful or be experienced as insensitive. Do not try to help them see the bright side. There is (especially in the early days) no bright side or at least… “It was meant to be” or “at least you can have more children” or “at least you never knew him” can do far more damage than not saying anything at all. Don’t offer advice on how you think the person should handle it or feel better. Do not criticize how they deal with it. Grief is a personal and sacred journey and every person should walk on their own path, at their own pace. The journey is hard as it is; getting judgment or comments from others is never helpful. Asking questions and listening is the best you can do. Sit with them, bring them tea/food, and help out with practical things. Hug them and love them. Don’t try to fix them. Embrace and do not avoid. Sometimes a person who grieves wants time and space to just be. Please don’t take offence and then avoid them for months or years. Always keep on reaching out and checking in, even if it is indirectly such as whats-app or a letter underneath the front door. Do not avoid the person if you do not know what to say. Be honest, tell them you are sorry but you do not know what to say. Honesty and transparency is always better. Asking how you can help is also a good idea. Please embrace the new person. After the loss of a child it is impossible to be the same person. It will definitely change him/her and leave some cracks. Please love and embrace this changed person. They are doing the best they can and if they felt loved during this process, it will give them courage and hope. Then they will hopefully be less isolated and trust people with their thoughts and feelings. If you noticed any growth or good qualities that have emerged due to this difficult process, acknowledge it and compliment the person. This will open their eyes to the good things, the gifts that one can receive after child loss. Remembering with them, will be the greatest gift. This may not come naturally. But if this person is important to you, make an effort. Make a reminder or a note of the child’s birthday or day they passed away. Also try to remember them during everyday life. Acknowledge events or holidays which can be potentially harder than other times. Giving a hug or a flower with a card saying you realize this day will be hard. By doing that you reach into their hearts and touch their soul in a way which will be remembered and treasured forever. One of my best friends made a comment after a birthday party that she thought of Kaleb and missed him when she saw another boy who is the same age Kaleb should have been. This touched my heart and was the greatest gifts anyone could give me. Remembering my son, acknowledging him or missing him – what a gift. Being a mother to a stillborn has been a challenge, but also such a privilege. I am more motivated to make a difference especially for those women who have experienced loss. I have started a project called HOPE AFTER LOSS. Thank you to all the precious people in my life who has given me space to grief, who has accepted and embraced the new me, who is supporting my project and who is remembering and cherishing Kaleb’s life with me.
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AuthorNanki Robbertse Archives
December 2017
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