As a child, Christmas was my favourite time of the year. I don’t know whether it was the gifts, my grandmother’s magnificent christmas tree, our entire family’s togetherness, the food feast or all of the above, that made it so memorable to me. It was like a fairytale, like the scenes you see in the movies. The perfect Christmas but without the snow. As the years went by, our Christmases changed and my fairytale faided. As I grew older I reassured myself that Christmas was just for children and the disappointment I felt was only because I lived with my head in the clouds (or movies) and had unrealistic sentiments that I had to let go. As I matured in my faith, I was confronted with the meaning and symbolism of the christmas tree, santa clause and celebrating Christmas altogether. I developed respect for people who refused to celebrate Christmas the way the world does or stopped celebrating Christmas at all. Although I was not ready to let go of Christmas entirely, I tried to suppress my childhood love for Christmas. So this Christmas was like the previous year, another magnifying glass for my losses. The loss of Kaleb and my father. Every special event of the year does that. So I was not excited about Christmas at all. My heart was drawn to Kaleb and I wanted to light his candle as a signal or symbol somehow that I was missing him. But I never did. How can I long for him while I had 2 perfect boys with me? How can I still feel this empty after 20 months of working through my grief? So I kept my mind occupied and I tried to avoid his picture and candle. I am not sure whether this guilt was driven by expectations I have for myself or whether it was a sense of what society expects from me. Missing my father was even worse because I have no tangible thing or action I can relate to him. Joshua probably picked up on my dampened mood and suggested we go and buy Christmas decorations because our house did not have any. I then had no choice but to unpack our nativity scene, the only Christmas decoration I will allow myself and luckily Joshua seemed satisfied. It was only on Christmas Eve that I realized something, that will change my thinking about Christmas forever. It was during our church’s Christmas Carol Service when our church leader was talking about Immanuel, God with us. What does that mean for us? When Jesus was born, He sacrificed His position in heaven to live as a human on earth, to be with us. And not just to be with us, but to die for our sins so we never have to die. When I heard the words Immanuel, God with us, it reminded me of my experience of God’s closeness after my losses. I have never felt Him like that before, never so personal, so intense, so close. And for the first time I understood a part of “God with us”. It was no longer a theological term, but something I felt in my heart. I felt it in my spirit. And then the Holy Spirit reminded me of the scene where Jesus ascended back to heaven and His words to comfort and reassure us: He will send someone, someone far greater than He, our Comforter, the Holy Spirit. “God with us” on a whole new level. God with us continuously, always. God in us. And that is why I have to continue to celebrate Christmas. To celebrate and give thanks for “God with us”, because without it, I wouldn’t have the strength to continue with life. So next year I will do it better. I will get more excited and I will be in awe of this fairytale. The fairytale of Jesus being born in a manger, doing things in an unconventional way, and then rescue the world. I will probably still continue to celebrate Christmas different than the world does, but I will make it special, memorable. And maybe I will allow myself to feel sad about my losses too and let go of the expectations I have for myself. Tonight I will lit that candle. Kaleb, pappa, I miss you. Because of you I continue to learn and to grow. God is with us, with me, and that is more than a fairy tale, it is a miracle.
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December 2017
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