I believe in miracles. Jesus performed many miracles while He was on earth and God is still doing miracles today. I just didn’t believe He would ever give me a miracle.
After Kaleb died and then my father too, I was wondering why God couldn’t give me a miracle. Maybe He didn’t want to. Maybe it wasn’t according to His will. Maybe I did something wrong. Maybe my faith wasn’t strong enough. Maybe God only gives miracles for super Christians. Although I have come to terms with my loss, I still have my moments when I want to ask God why. I listened to the story of Moses again and how God saved Moses because God had a big plan for his life. God preserved Moses’ life and made sure he wasn’t killed like all the other baby boys. My flesh wanted to ask God again why couldn’t He save Kaleb too. Especially since I know he had a big calling on his life. After pondering about miracles, I realized that God actually did give me a miracle, approximately 6 months ago. I unexpectedly found out I was pregnant again and soon after I started feeling unwell. I had bad cramping, my HCG levels dropped and according to the sonar, I had a blighted ovum. The doctor already scheduled my d/c for the following day, but something or rather Someone made her stop. She suggested we give it more time and just wait. I have a dear friend who asked me to have faith because God can give me miracle. I wanted to tell her, maybe for people like you but not someone like me. I decided to give God a chance. I asked people to pray for me, we prayed for a miracle. I prayed scripture. We then discovered the lab made a mistake with my blood test results and the following day we saw a baby on the sonar. In 1 day I went from being not pregnant any longer to being pregnant again. I knew in my heart it was nothing short of a miracle. I was overwhelmed. I wanted to sing and praise God. I remember experiencing joy I have never experienced before. I actually received my miracle. These past few months I have been trying to process this pregnancy and haven’t told many people about my miracle. I was too busy trying to take it all in, being careful not to get too excited. Fighting everyday between acknowledging and taking my miracle but also being afraid to loose it again. I wanted to remind myself that I am still in this broken world where people die and people get hurt. But I also wanted to have faith so that I can “deserve” the miracle so to speak. How silly. But so human. I do not pretend to be full of faith. I am open about my fears. Even when people judge me for it.“You have to trust God”, they say. Yes I agree. But I also trusted God for Kaleb. So what does it mean to have faith? I have asked myself that many times. Does it mean that you trust that God will preserve you from every bad thing? This brings me to my second miracle… The biggest miracle I have experienced is not one event but a process. It has taken me time to realize this, to see the miracle. And it made me wonder how many miracles we as Christians miss? When I prepared for Kaleb’s first birthday in heaven I realized my journey the passed year has been a miracle. God has shaped me and molded me. He has made sure I grow and become stronger than I was before. He has shown me a different side of His character, a side of God the Father I haven’t experienced before. He has protected my heart from becoming bitter and depressed and hopeless. He took a tragedy and changed it into something beautiful. He has given me a purpose and a love for others who also suffer. He changed me to become more people centered. He has given me compassion and a heart for others. He has changed my perspective to not only focus on this short life on earth but also on the life after this one. He has given me hope, so much that I want to give others hope too. I can honestly say, although it sounds crazy, that I have days when I am grateful for my journey, grateful to be Kaleb’s mother. I almost feel special or chosen to have gone through this. Why? Because I experience life (and death), and my Savior different now. I have more depth as a person. In my deepest wound I saw Your glory and it astounded me. So is it a miracle if God keep us away from heartache, suffering and hardship? Or is the miracle in fact when God allow these things in our lives but then use it to create something beautiful. When He can change our hearts and make us better in spite of the pain. I do not believe God purposefully bring sorrow and grief into our lives, but He allows it and uses it for the good of His kingdom. I always thought loosing someone close to me will break me and loosing a child will destroy me. The truth is, it actually healed me and made me more whole than what I was. And that is the miracle.
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AuthorNanki Robbertse Archives
December 2017
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