I watched a video of a Chaplin, sharing her experience of grief and what a specific 5-year old girl taught her about grief. This little girl insisted on seeing her 4-year old cousin who passed away. When her parents finally allowed her to see him, she walked all around the bed, putting her hand on him, making sure he was all there. She put her head on his chest, talked to him, gave him a telescope to watch everyone from heaven and then she tucked him in because “he is not getting up again”. Then she put her hand on him and said goodbye.
This video reminded me of our decision not to allow our 4-year old son, Joshua, to see his brother Kaleb after he died in my womb. We didn’t have much time to think about it. Some family recommended that we don’t, because he is still young and it will possibly do more harm. A few months after Kaleb passed away, my Joshua’s cat drowned. Joshua and this cat were inseparable and best of friends. We then had no choice but to tell him that his cat has died and surprisingly he insisted on seeing his cat. We were very hesitant because her body was already stiff, but he was so adamant that we decided to let him see her. He looked at her and seemed satisfied when we told him she is going to be in heaven with his brother and grandfather. He then told a few people in the following weeks and months in a nonchalant way that his cat has drowned and she is now in heaven with his baby brother. I would smile each time when he did this because he would be so confident and comfortable and the person on the other side would be the opposite. After this incident I knew I made a mistake for not allowing him to see his brother’s body. It would have helped him, not harm him. Just like it helped me to see and hold Kaleb. I don’t regret seeing my son, I regret not doing MORE with him. I regret not bathing him, I regret not cutting a piece of hair for me to keep, I regret not holding him longer, I regret not taking more pictures. I regret not praying over him on that day. I regret not taking hands or foot moulds. People often think they want to protect their family member by discouraging them to see their baby or loved one and that the presence of a deceased body would be disturbing. Some people refuse to see their babies, to protect themselves. This makes me sad. Although people differ, it is my conviction that seeing your deceased baby will not be harmful but in fact good for your grieving process. You can trust a human being with grief. You can trust yourself with grief. Just walk fearlessly into that space, no matter how painful it is. It is exactly what you need to do. You owe it to yourself. Trust God that He will protect you in the process. Don’t be afraid of it, don’t run away from it, don’t minimize the death of a baby, no matter how small. Don’t try to forget or deny that something devastating happened. You will not get over it quicker. You will cause your heart to shut down and bury the pain until one day you realize you are so broken and lost. And then you don’t know why. Children handle grief so much better than adults, which that video of the Chaplin just confirmed to me again. One day I was driving in my car and I was talking to Joshua about heaven. I asked him what he would ask Jesus when he meets Him in heaven. His first response after pondering about my question was that he would not ask anything. He will just thank God for giving him a baby brother. He then looked at me and said he rather wants to thank Jesus now. He turned his face towards my chest and whispered into my heart a simple prayer, thanking Jesus for Kaleb. He then looked at me and said: “ you know mommy, if Kaleb is with Jesus, and Jesus is in your heart, then Kaleb is in your heart too.” I stopped for a moment, processing my child’s logic and wisdom. You see, for Joshua, Kaleb is not dead, but very much alive and still part of us. And from that moment I made a mental note to myself to learn from my son about love, life, death and grief. Children are not afraid of grief, they are not uncomfortable with grief, they are truthful, honest and sincere. They do not want to avoid it or hide from it, because instinctively in their spirits they know better. They assimilate grief into their lives and because of that, they are mentally healthier and happier. The truth is grief is a journey that never ends, until we are united with Jesus. Be open for the lessons that grief can teach you and keep an eye on how children does it – you can learn so much from them.
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AuthorNanki Robbertse Archives
December 2017
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